Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull

Synopsis in 3 sentences or less:

Mutt Williams asks Indiana Jones to go to Peru in search of a mutual friend who found a crystal skull. While they battle the Soviets for the skull, Indy learns that Mutt is his son. They take the skull to a temple and reunite it with some other skulls, who then fly off into another dimension. 

Memorable Quote:
There were a few, but they all had the same problem.  ~Indy
Yeah? What's that?  ~Marion
They weren't you, honey.  ~Indy

Highlight:
I like the part at the end where Indy calls Mutt "Junior."

Lowlight:

The lack of any highlights.

Most interesting piece of IMDB trivia:
In an interview with Empire Magazine in October 2011, Steven Spielberg admitted that he never liked the MacGuffin of this movie. It was George Lucas' idea, and Spielberg only put it in the movie because of his friendship with Lucas. He said in that interview: "I am loyal to my best friend", he said. "When he writes a story he believes in, even if I don't believe in it, I'm going to shoot the movie the way George envisaged it."

Other thoughts, observations, and questions I didn’t ask when I was in fourth grade:

• If you're a big fan of this movie, you might want to stop reading because I'm coming in hot. 
• We're not past the title and I already have a problem. Why not just "Indiana Jones and the Crystal Skull," which has a much better ring to it? I read that George Lucas insisted on the "Kingdom" part -- this won't be the last time you hear about Lucas screwing up this movie. 
• The first two minutes of the teens joyriding to the tune of Hound Dog is a wasted two minutes. We're in the 1950s -- we got it. 
• The opening scene in the warehouse doesn't work at all -- we don't know what's going on or who anyone is, and the dialogue is already weak. 
• In my Raiders post, I emphatically stated that Harrison Ford is the perfect Indiana Jones -- end of story. He's also one of my favorite all-time actors. That said, it's clear right away that he's too old for this and that they should have moved on with a different actor. It just makes for a better movie to have a younger, more optimistic, more energetic guy who is capable of doing more and can freshen up the series -- it's why they periodically bring in a new James Bond rather than having the old one working into his 80s. 
• The nuclear test on the 1950s town doesn't have an ounce of bearing on the plot, other than to once again hammer home the point that it's the 1950s. Additionally, the fridge that he climbs into appears to travel a mile at high speed and flip a hundred times, but he's perfectly fine. Oh yeah, he also survived the nuclear blast and the fallout. If you guessed that the fridge was George Lucas's idea, you'd be right. 
• I don't care for the backstory of Indy as an army colonel who spent the previous decade undertaking missions against the Soviets. Why couldn't he just be a professor who looks for rare antiquities? 
• 26:11 mark -- he's got a bigger house than I would have guessed.
• This is the only movie I've ever seen Shia LaBeouf in. He seems like a decent actor, but his character is kind of annoying. He also seems too short to be the next Indiana Jones. Anyway, it's a moot point because it's already been announced that he won't be in Indiana Jones 5.  
• Indy tells Mutt that he rode with Pancho Villa -- it's cool that they acknowledged the canon of the Young Indiana Jones Chronicles (Spring Break Adventure).  
• Indy takes a page out of MacGyver's playbook of fathering a child that he had no knowledge of until much later. 
• The dialogue with Indy, Marion, and Mutt in the truck is somewhat entertaining, although it feels like a conversation between grandparents and not really what I'm looking for in an Indiana Jones movie.
• 1:19:01 mark -- With Shia's swordfight in the jungle, we're entering the really bad CGI part of the movie. 
• 1:22:00 -- OK, now we're at the really, really bad CGI with the edge-of-the-cliff driving scene followed by Shia vine swinging among monkeys. The monkey swinging is not only the low point of the series but also one of the low points in cinema. 
• I understand why filmmakers use CGI (e.g. it's much cheaper, easier, and safer to use CGI ants instead of real ants), but there should be a threshold for scenes where if they look unrealistic enough, they have to be cut from the movie.
• Let's discuss a few of the characters: 
• Irina Spalko: bad character; underdeveloped; uninteresting; wooden; doesn't connect with Indy
• Ox: an even worse character; pointless; rambles throughout the entire movie and it's not well explained why; also underdeveloped
• Mack: the worst character of them all; extremely underdeveloped; motivations are unclear throughout; annoying
• Spielberg and Ford were both against having aliens in the movie and only went along with it begrudgingly. As I discuss in my podcast with the legendary Joe Passman, it was at George Lucas's insistence that there be aliens. Sigh. 
• "Enough! Enough!"  ~Irina getting her mind blown by the aliens.
• "Enough! Enough!"  ~Me watching this movie. 

Final Analysis:

After Last Crusade, there would be a story every year about how Indiana Jones 4 was in the works, but first they were waiting for the right script. Well, it's too bad they didn't wait longer, because this was painful to watch -- my face was practically melting like Belloq's at the end of Raiders. In addition to all the criticisms I've mentioned above, it's striking that there are essentially no highlights at all and not even one scene that I'm legitimately excited about rewatching or thinking, "I can't wait for this part." Even the soundtrack isn't good.

Well, I've been working on the Indiana Jones project for 2 years now, and it's time to put it to rest. I'm sorry we had to end it on such a somber note after the glory that was Last Crusade, but who knows, maybe Indy 5 will right this wrong. Hopefully they take the car keys away from George first.